Misc Jokes

Merger Mania

NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street
today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form
Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them
into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney.

In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter
P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help
solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us,"
Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."

------------------------------ CONCORD, N.H., May
14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw
Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth,
Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will
combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or
Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from
Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged
1-for-1. ----------------------- BANGOR, Me.,
Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he
had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him
to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting
his output to at least one novel per month. The new author,
who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and
Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically
acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells
more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of
the respected writer will help him make inroads into new
markets, like college literature classes. "It's a win-win
situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The
New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've
been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep
up with my production schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr.
King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King
was informed that the company was not John Updike.
--------------------------- WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) --
In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats
announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of
Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet,
will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the
world's largest supplier of home companion services.
---------------------- PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence
France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the biggest merger
of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into
one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the
arrangement are still being hammered out, but early
negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in
principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up
self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that
will need to be resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that
Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that
this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them.
Women were unavailable for comment.
----------------------- ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious
News Service) -- After several eons of discord and
competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have
decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell.
"Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who
appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks
and all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky.
"But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries
setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those
close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be
chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold
the post of president. Merger talks broke off several
centuries ago, in part because the executives could not reach
an agreement on who would run a combined company.. Reminded
of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in
hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back."
Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan
any layoffs.