Misc Jokes

How to Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin
the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next
line: "I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first
line right, repeat it. Then, find something that rhymes ...
sort of. "Got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pounds."

4. The Blues are not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch,
ain't no way out."

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken
down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't
fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get
the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but
not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul
or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas
City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot
have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the
blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it
is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a
shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the
parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you
wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man, and
you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter
of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman
could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you
gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages
are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mamma
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and
Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind,
Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don't care how tragic your life. If you own
a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it.
Fire, a spilled bottle of MadDog, or
shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sit on
it. I don't care. Now go on.