Misc Jokes

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't
know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your
ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting
the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I
found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove
the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.