Lawyer Jokes

Witness Interviews Gone Bad

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses
in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there
any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By
death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was
about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a
male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?" A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And
Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A:
"I have been since early childhood."